Managing Relationships

One of the toughest parts of home education is being with the same people all day, every day. Naturally, you are all going to get on each other’s nerves and managing this is a huge challenge. You can drop them off to activities, you can enlist the help of others but ultimately, you are all living in the same house, working towards the same goal and that can become a little claustrophobic.
Not only is it hard on parents but also on siblings. So much time in each other’s company is inevitably going to create tensions and, let’s be honest, it is all part of the learning journey. That does not make it easy to live with.
It is important to remember that this is not unique to home educating families, we can at least take comfort in that. Once you have home educated for a period of time, you will speak to Mums of schooled kids during school holidays and you will chuckle inside. When they complain about having to keep the children entertained in the holidays and how they can’t deal with the sibling squabbles – you can wear your battle scars like a badge of glory. In some ways they are walking in your shoes, if only for a brief period. In other ways, they are far worse off.
Over time, your children will find ways of coping. They are in each other’s company perhaps more than they would be at school (although mine were in a mixed year class in school anyway) and they are in your company way more than they would be. Everyone, quite simply, has to find ways to get on. It happens – to a degree. The explosive daily arguments soon dissipate and give way to a more peaceful existence. Just because it has to.
I have also started ignoring them. If I heard one threaten to pulverise the other one, I used to step in. I desperately wanted to avoid trips to A and E and difficult conversations with medical professionals. I now let them get on with it. I have told them enough times, they have had all the warnings and I stole a great line from a home educating friend of mine – ‘ You have no right to touch’. This has sunk in a fair bit better than ‘don’t hit’, ‘don’t kick’. They can now see how intrusive some of the behaviour has been.
There are still arguments, it would be really weird if there weren’t but I just don’t get involved if I can help it. That is for my own sanity and for their benefit. They learn so much more when they tackle the issues themselves.
There was an excellent program run in an American school where the staff had identified the need for free play. They started an after school club for children to ‘just play’ with no staff supervision. Amazing. No teachers on hand to ‘tell tales’ to. The kids just had to get on, work things out and play.
This is where I am. Let them get on with it, let them sort it, learn, build their relationships and coping mechanisms. Of course, I don’t boot them out in the street and watch soap operas – I always have an ear on what is happening in the back garden but I try not to interfere unless I think the neighbours will be cursing our name. Once they are over the worst of the argument or punch up, I try to make them understand the emotions and issues at hand. Someone treading on your brand new book is really frustrating, it may not warrant an instant punch to the kidneys but it is important that they understand boundaries, respect other’s space and belongings. There is always a lesson and as exhausting as it can be, once you can see the opportunity to teach them in every incident, it does become a valuable part of the process. If that attitude shift doesn’t help, may I suggest investing in a good pair of headphones and a large bottle of pinto grigio?

Me Time

So you will find yourself listening to your children, identifying their ever changing needs, adapting your approach, finding new activities and fine tuning everything but in doing so, you can very easily lose yourself.

You wouldn’t be home educating if you didn’t have children in your care. You wouldn’t be doing it if you didn’t put your children and their needs first. It is not and never will be the easy option. I was fuming when I read some of the comments in the House of Lords when they were discussing the Home Ed Bill. One member (and I use that word deliberately) suggested that home education was an easier option than the school run. Can you imagine?
I am not, in any way, underestimating the stress levels attached to a school run. I have been there and done that! Did it for 4 years, in fact BUT once the kids are safely deposited, the rest of the day is yours. Yes, you might have to go to work but at least you have child-free tea breaks. Some lucky school Mums will get a few hours to go to the gym, swim, meet friends or watch daytime TV. Whatever. The fact is, the school run is a brief window of hecticness compared to your children and their education being your SOLE responsibility ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. Lady whatever-her-name should most definitely give it a go and see if she still thinks it is the choice of the lazy parent.

So, one of the things that seems to be a constant topic of discussion amongst home ed parents is, how to get some ‘me-time’. I had come to the conclusion that you can’t. It is relentless. Home educating is not without its rewards, that is certain. But, we are told constantly that you can’t pour from an empty glass and yet, there never seems to be the space, time or opportunity to fill the glass up.
I am only writing this, right now, because my husband has taken the kids out for the day. I am so fortunate, he works in a school and we are in the middle of a nice, long school holiday. We have had a few fun days together and now he is flying solo. I am not kidding when I say this is the first time I have been alone in the house for about 18 months.
My husband will always offer to take the kids out on his one day off but the thing is, I quite like to see him on his day off too! So, I stick with the pack, performing the same role I perform every other day of the week. There is no ‘me time’ and no day off.
If you are not lucky enough to have a friend or family member who can give you time off (and not just to go to work), then there is another avenue you can explore. All is, most definitely, not lost.
Once we all relaxed into home education, everything got calmer. Once I started really listening to what they wanted and needed, they stopped fighting for my attention. As soon as I gave them the freedom to pick and choose their activities, I had quiet time for a cup of tea. I found that I didn’t need to stand over them at all times, assisting and guiding – constantly. Of course there are activities they need help with but there are plenty of things they would rather do without you. That’s the space for ‘me time’. It does come but you have to be intuitive. You have to tune into them and identify what they need. In return, you will get lots back. For every time you listen to them, they will listen to you. You are modelling behaviour, not giving in. When you show them you care and understand when they need space, they will do the same for you. You will be rearing young people who are sensitive to the needs of others.
I have also found my ‘me time’ in exercise classes twice a week. I value these hour sessions and use it to really forget about my responsibilities and unwind. I also work – that obviously brings its own stress but at least it is different. Weekends have a totally different dynamic. Apart from football we can kick back and relax and family are always on hand to give me a bit of a break.
The children and I have reached a good place – for now. We listen, we compromise, we make space for each other, we get along. I’m not going to lie, this has created challenges for my husband. We are not alone in this, conversations with home ed friends have unearthed similar scenarios in a number of homes.
My husband and I were in total agreement as far as home education was concerned. It was the way forward. He has taken a back seat as far as the day to day running is and he is working 6 days of the week so he doesn’t have a great deal of choice. That’s not to say he is not interested but he does not come home and demand to see work, he trusts in the process, he trusts my judgement and he trusts it is the best course of action for the children right now. If I had any major concerns about their progress or development, educationally or otherwise, I would let him know. So, we always update each other at the end of the day, like most couples but he is not ‘on the journey’ with us in the same way. He hasn’t been a part of my learning process either and as I have uncovered new approaches to parenting, all I could do was update him, advise him when challenges came up and let him know what I had learnt about our children. It is not the same. Quite simply, I spend way more time with the children and I know them well. He continued to approach parenting in the ‘old way’ and was being met with resistance. Fortunately, he is not a stubborn man and is willing to constantly adapt his parenting style to be the best Dad he can be for the children. It takes a while though. When he is suddenly in the frame on a Sunday and trying to find his feet it doesn’t always come off well. During longer holidays, he gets to see the children in the same way I do, they can reconnect and learn more about each other.
Like I said, being the home educator is not easy and being the parent or carer who is not a part of the daily life is also tough. Every family probably struggles in the same way but it is wise to openly discuss the issues you might face. In an ideal world, my husband and I would share home ed and work in equal amounts so we could both hang on to our sanity – or what is left of it.
So, I would say we are in a good place now, we have pretty much got it down – for now. I am so careful to say this because things do change. I find it is a constant exercise in balance, which is why I tore up the plans and timetables long ago. They did not allow for balance. In my head I have a little checklist to maintain the equilibrium and it pretty much centres around their need for social time, exercise, outdoor time, academic and creative outlets. That checklist does not include my needs but I think that is already changing and I am sure as they get older, they will become even more independent and I will be left redundant and wrung out like an old flannel.

REMEMBER

You don’t have to do everything on offer. The first year of home ed left me a bit burnt out. I thought we had to do every activity and meet up on offer and felt, if we didn’t, I was letting the children down in some way. It is totally fine to let an opportunity pass because there will be others. Everyone understands if you need downtime or space to just catch up with family. One great piece of advice came from a home educating mum – you don’t have to talk. Usually, at a home ed meet up the kids dash off and play and the parents are left chatting. This, in itself, can be draining. In the nicest possible way, sometimes you just want silence when the kids are being entertained. It is totally fine to zone out at a meet up and not chat. However, there are other times when those conversations will be absolute life savers!

Hungry Tums

A word about food.

One of the things I really struggled with in the beginning will seem extremely daft to most people…feeding the kids.

First of all, they don’t stop eating. How they ever survived at school with just a piece of fruit at morning break, I will never know. As soon as you start home educating, if your children are like ours, you will be eaten out of house and home. It does calm down a bit but to begin with, I think just because they could, they wanted to permanently snack. Breakfast, snack, snack, snack, lunch, snack, snack, snack, dinner and still…”I’m hungry”. Maybe it is all part of the deschooling process, maybe studies will find a connection to the healing process or something. I don’t know why it happens, but it is really annoying. You need to make sure you have a tonne of healthy snacks available but most importantly, get easy lunches lined up.
Catering assistants in schools are there for a reason. In a home educating environment, the home educator will be organising the home, facilitating learning, counselling, mentoring, refereeing if there is more than one child…..and then they have to stop to make lunch. In the early days this nearly sent me over the edge. How could I possibly do it all? Just as we were really getting into an activity, I would have to break away to make lunch, then everything has to be tidied up after lunch, then you get back on track and they are hungry again, so you are finding snacks or packing food and drink as you bustle out of the house to be on time for whatever activity you have lined up.
I think I struggled with this more than some might, as I have a need to have the house in good order at all times. The thought of chucking plates and saucepans in the washing up bowl and tackling them at the end of the day, actually brings me out in a rash. I am very uptight in this area but I need order to be productive. I am sure, as the kids get older, they can take more responsibility for their lunches and the tidying up and they do already help when they can. But, my best advice is make sure you have plenty of food in the cupboard, lots of fruit and snacks and lunches that will take a matter of minutes to prepare because you will have much more important demands on your time.
I did get a genius suggestion from a fellow home educator, who also has children with hollow legs – she recommended the ‘snack platter’. At 10am she puts out big plates of healthy snacks and leaves it for the kids to pick through as they go about their business. That gives her a two hour window before lunch preparations begin and it’s incredible how much can get done in two hours!

 

 

The Juggling Act

I guess it very much depends on what you do for work and on the age of your children and their specific needs. I personally find it tough to juggle everything at times. When I first started home educating, I was employed and the stress was unreal. I was able to complete most of my work at home and I managed to stay on top of the work but always felt guilty that the kids weren’t getting my full attention. I found that in order to maintain the balance, I was working late into the night to tick off the to do list and then free myself up for the children the next day. It was hard but everything was getting done. My job was as a resident director in a theatre the show was literally ‘going on’ and no balls were dropped. However, my new (self-appointed) boss started sniffing around and asking not very subtle questions about home educating and how I managed my time. Although this had absolutely nothing to do with him and the quality of my work had not decreased at all, I decided to jump before I was pushed. I could not continue to work in an unsupportive environment when demands on my time and energy were already huge.
For a while, I only did a couple of hours of work here and there. I hated not having a life outside of home education and I really hated not having an income. I have managed to build work to fit around the children and their needs and they can very often come along and participate in the classes I run. However, it is still tough. It still means my head is full of a gazillion things to do, I am still juggling and planning and emailing and doing my best to fulfil the needs of the children at the same time. I have to have at least two different heads on each day. Then there is the cooking, the vacuuming, the washing, the polishing, the guinea pigs, the gardening………it never ends.

If you need to work around home education, I suggest you find work that does not take much mental application. There are times when I wish I was less passionate about my work and I could just turn up, do and leave. In an ideal world (and this is the dream we are working towards) my husband and I would share the home education, share the housework, share the bread winning. I am very keen to restore some sort of balance into our lives because I personally think it is too much for one person to carry. I frequently feel the responsibility of all of this and although the evidence is there to prove we have done the right thing by the children, there are so many wobbly days, so many days where there are not enough hours in the day, so many noisy, busy active days and it would just be nice to share the load.
If money is the reason you think you can’t educate but you really, really want to then I would say I am proof that you can do it. It is not easy but then working around children and school runs isn’t easy either. There will always be sacrifices.

 

Sibling Squabbles

 

There is a tendency (in our house) to expect perfection.  Now that the decision has been made and the children have enormous freedom to be who they are, create and learn at their own pace and generally enjoy life – why aren’t they perfect?  Why do they still argue?  Why do they still have angry phases or anxiety flare ups. Shouldn’t everything be hunky dory now?  Well, no.  They are human, not robots.  There will be one problem after another, because that’s what growing up is all about.  There will be periods of calm and co-operation and then you will discover your child has done something outrageous, said something outrageous or is generally behaving outrageously.  That’s part of the journey.

Now, I see every horrid little hurdle as an opportunity to equip the children with coping mechanisms and general standards. Often, I think to myself how lucky we are to have the time to talk things through when they arise.  Everything is a learning opportunity and they are fortunate to be able to get a grip on things that many teenagers and adults struggle with at a later date, because we can go through it together now.

At the time it can be exhausting but that’s our job.  We educate, yes – not just in core subjects but also in emotions, relationships, respect, understanding, co-operation, physical and mental health and wellbeing…the list goes on and on.  Some days it is all too much.  I can’t always cope with being the cook, cleaner, teacher, mediator and counsellor.  Sometimes, I feel way out of my depth, other days I feel very fortunate to be able to guide the children through some tricky waters and know that if they were in school, their problems would be supressed, only to surface in a more dramatic fashion at a later date.  Every upset, challenge and difficulty lays a new foundation.

It is really important during these phases to look at the bigger picture.

I think maybe that would be the overall piece of advice on this entire journey – from making the initial decision to leave school, to deciding on the best methods and the daily activities – the bigger picture is key.

It is far too easy to get bogged down in day to day concerns but if you can find the ability to step back and consider the end game, it really helps.  We all want our children to be happy and healthy, to know their own minds and make good decisions, to have the skills and passions to make a life for themselves.  If we keep this goal in mind, surely we can’t go far wrong.  Every day is just one step on that journey, good or bad.  Every experience adds value and nothing is wasted.

So yes, step back, consider the bigger picture and know that not every day will be or has to be a hugely rewarding educational experience.

So here we are, nearing the end of our second year of home education and we are really beginning to see the benefits.  We had seen the instant transformation in the children, we had watched the stress melt away and the confidence grow but now, we can see what a rounded education they are able to receive.  Now we have witnessed their growing independence, resourcefulness and enthusiasm for learning, we know that this works and right now, we have no intention of stopping.  The children are happy and as a society, we put far too little emphasis on the importance of being happy – this is all that matters in our home.  Mental health is a top priority for us because our kids can have all the qualifications available to them but what good will they be if they are not robust, resilient, confident, compassionate, articulate, independent, healthy, happy adults?

The Perfect Life

Don’t, for one minute, think that because you have taken this step that somehow all the problems will melt away and family life will be harmonious.  It’s unrealistic and an unfair pressure to put on your children and yourself.

I’ve done it.  On far too many occasions, I have thought ‘how can they behave so badly when they have the best life?’  To my mind, they are living the dream, they have freedom, they can follow their passions and interests, they can have downtime when they need it, see friends when they want, get out in the fresh air and explore their opportunities.  Why then, do they argue or whinge or kick off in some way?  Because, obviously, they are children and they are learning and it would be really very unnatural if they didn’t act up in the way that children do.  The same applies if major hurdles crop up, like any of the frightening mental health conditions that can affect any person at any time. I know that home educated children are not immune but when you are committing so much time, energy and love to your children and their needs, it can take the wind out of your sails if there is a bump in the road. It might just be me – others may not feel the same but I know there are a number of parents who remove their children from school because of anxiety and yes, as soon as my children were out of school, they change was enormous but it is not the end of the story.

It is far too easy to fall into the trap of perpetuating the damage ‘the system’ can do – for fear of allowing your children to ‘fall behind’. It is then a danger that the healing process takes much longer.  Trust is key – trust the process and trust your children.  Allow them the space to breathe, to follow their interests and take responsibility for their learning but manage your expectations. You might be under the impression that your children would be perfect in school, always listening, always working to the best of their ability, always participating and it might trouble you if they opt out of activities in the home ed environment.  Rest assured your child would not be perfect in school either – take the pressure off you and them and have faith.

 

 

 

 

 

 

In The Moment

This is another fabulous side effect of home education.  As exhausting as it can be, you soon realise that it is very rare that a day slips by, wasted.  There are endless opportunities to see friends, get outside, enjoy nature, visit beautiful places, learn amazing things, read inspirational books, develop skills and create – the list goes on.  Yes, the housework needs doing and yes, you might have to go to work but ultimately the scales are tipped to fun and it does all add up to a very enjoyable existence. It will NOT always feel that way but it is important to sit back and look through your photographs sometimes and see just how lucky you all are.

Always keep in mind – the bigger picture. If a day goes past and not a word has been written and not an equation solved, then don’t despair.  The guilt does kick in, the worry that somehow you are failing your children – because your heavily schooled childhood will be clouding your judgement.  A child is always learning, learning can take place outside of the hours of 9am and 3pm, it can also take place away from a desk, pens and paper.  Each day will add up to contribute to the bigger picture.  The end goal is to nurture happy, healthy, lifelong learners and that is happening every step along the way. You have to trust yourself and also trust your children to do what is necessary for them at any given moment. One day watching films on the sofa will not destroy their future.  How many times were you plonked in front of a video for an afternoon at school or, as was the case at our children’s school – allowed to watch an important football match altogether in the main hall?!  It doesn’t have to be all work in the conventional sense.  I think, perhaps it is only a few years down the line when you are able to think back over the changes in your children, the progress they make emotionally, physically and academically that you realise nothing has been wasted and every difficult day is a part of that journey.

We have broken for summer and the other day we were lazing in the garden, playing Trivial Pursuit.  I had no idea this would end up with them summarising our year of learning.  Questions about our topics kept popping up and the sense of satisfaction was huge when they nailed the answers.

 

 

 

Friendships

 

I take the same approach with friendships as I do with sibling relationships. I prefer to let them sort it out between themselves but sometimes you find yourself being drawn into things too much, too early in the argument and purely for the sake of adult friendships.

As a home educator and parent to younger children, I have found myself attending and hosting endless social gatherings.  Some have structured educational purpose, some are purely for social interaction.  In all cases, there have been little upsets and fall outs, that is life.  It happens in every school playground and classroom and it happens in home ed too.  I would be very concerned if they didn’t.  The real challenge is knowing when, if at all, to get involved.  Very often, as with siblings, there is a learning opportunity and we are in the fortunate position to be able to talk things through with the children and discuss the issues that arise at the time.  Sometimes, it is just something that the children need to sort out between themselves because that is where the ultimate lesson can be found. It is so hard not to be dragged into squabbles and upsets, simply because you are present.  When they were in school, I didn’t get to hear about any of the dramas because they were either dealt with by staff or by the children themselves.  This aspect can be draining but it can also be rewarding.

However, there is a sort of unsaid pressure that I find myself under when my children are in an altercation with the children of a fellow home educator or friend. I always feel obliged to step in, sort things (usually adding fuel to the fire) and I do tend to assume my child is the cause of the problem which is not particularly fair.  It is wise, then for home educators who regularly socialise to establish a mutual approach.  I have one good friend who thinks they are best left to sort it out for themselves and one who sees more value in nurturing the children through their disputes.  Both approaches have rewards but for me, the biggest concern is upsetting a friend over children’s squabbles – especially when the kids tend to get over it in no time and the parents are left reeling.  It is these situations that make me miss the ‘drop and run’ days of school.

So brace yourself for those awkward moments – they happen a lot.  It is not all picnics and chilled out playdates.  Far from it.  They are little humans, learning how to find their place in the world and that can have its ups and downs.  Again, find the lesson – sometimes that is all you can do.

There was an upset recently and our daughter had felt left out of a role play game.  Our son, however, was at the centre of the action.  On the way home from the meet up she expressed how sad she had felt and how her brother hadn’t even noticed.  He pointed out that he had noticed and asked if she was OK and she said she was.  I was then able to teach him that sometimes people say they are OK when they are not and you have to look at their body language. A good early lesson for a 7 year old boy to learn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fight For The Right

 

 

 

To meet the LA or not to meet the LA?

This is a big topic and one that causes heated discussions in online forums. Currently, you do not have to accept a visit form the Elective home education department.  You are not obliged to allow them into your home or to show them your child’s work.  Some home educators are not on the radar of the local authority at all – either because they have never been in the system or they were in private school and did not deregister as such. Our children were in a state school and before we deregistered, I contacted the Elective Home Education department to seek advice and support.  There wasn’t much advice or support on offer to be fair but they asked me to let them know what I decided to do.  Once we sent in the deregistration letter, the school contacted the local authority and then we were in another system. We received a letter from the school to confirm receipt of our deregistration letter and shortly after, we heard from the LA.  The letter in itself is pretty full on.  You would expect a little settling in period and maybe an offer of help but the letter is worded in such a way as to make you feel obliged to accept a vist.  As in, ‘I will be visiting you on Thursday 19^th September at 10am’.  No option to make an appointment but you know, just a warning that they intend to visit.  You do (currently) have the right to refuse the visit – politely in writing is advisable.  We decided to go ahead and see what it was all about.

So there we were in the first few weeks of our home ed journey and a local authority official was knocking at our front door – a day earlier than announced might I add.  A sceptical person might think this is all part of their efforts to somehow catch us out – she claimed it was an oversight – I will give her the benefit of the doubt as she was a very lovely lady.  It was all very overwhelming to be completely honest but our experience was a good one, the elective education officer was supportive.  She understood our reasons, also agreed that the curriculum is not age appropriate and talked of wonderful families she visits who are all doing great things for their children.  She then went on to write a perfectly lovely report, recommended a few local groups and went on her way. She said I would hear from the advisory teacher after a few months and they would be qualified to look at the children’s work and offer support if necessary – another intimidating appointment to avoid but I didn’t hear anything for well over a year before I started to get twitchy.  Friends of mine had been asked to write annual reports and educational philosophies – I had never been asked for these and was starting to get concerned.  If they didn’t have these on record, there was a chance they would think we weren’t providing a full time education.  I decided to pick up the phone to the LA and offer a report.  They were hugely apologetic for not contacting me (not an issue) and said they were understaffed and as the home education scene is growing every day, they were getting behind.  I was asked to provide a report but only if I wanted to and offered a visit which I politely declined.  I still received a letter with another date for a visit but again, I declined in writing and that is it.

As a family, we are perfectly happy and would rather be left alone now we have found our feet and it would appear the LA are perfectly happy to do just that.  That’s our experience, it has been positive and non-threatening.  I know there are many home educators with very different experiences and I can completely understand why home educators are urged not to meet with the LA.  It could be a slippery slope.  They have no legal right to turn up and look at work and yet it happens. I am not in the habit of letting strangers into my home without an appointment and that stands on this matter. I think you have to go with your gut on this one.  If you are concerned about a visit, if it will make you or the children anxious then politely decline and keep communications open via email.  This is about our journey and our decisions and what has worked for us.  I know this is a touchy subject so official advice would be, politely decline the visit but keep in touch with them in writing to provide reports and avoid further action.  Non communication is not a wise move , the LA could easily confuse that with lack of educational provision and you might find yourself having to fight your child’s corner.

I keep saying ‘currently’ as there is a rather troubling thing called ‘The Home Ed Bill’ that is currently being developed.  It might see home educators being subjected to compulsory registration (you know, like abusers) and it might mean compulsory annual visits.  I really don’t know how they plan to fund this and it seems they will be trampling all over the rights of home educators who, in my experience, are just trying to do the best for their children.  That is another topic but in the meantime, you have a choice and as with every other aspect of this way of life, you have to do what is right for your children and for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Silence Is Golden

 

Listening is key.  Really, really listen to your children and listen to yourself.  If you need a day doing nothing, then take it.  If the children are crying out for new social experiences, then sort it.  If you all need to get out in nature, read for hours, watch documentaries or write a book then do it.  You have the freedom and you will develop the intuition to know what is required.  Just keep listening and be prepared to change.

So many times I have thought to myself ‘nailed it’ only to be brought back down to earth.  Just when all seems well, one child will express a need for something else and you will be straight on Google researching whatever the latest issue is. It is an ever changing landscape and largely out of your control.  Embrace it and be prepared to adapt. Just be prepared for: The Dark Times.

There will be a few of these. It is important to know that, accept it, embrace it even and remember to cut yourself some slack. I am literally just coming out of a two week period of darkness.  It is hard to put into words just how hard these times can be. These are full on exhausted, emotionally and physically draining days.  Where there is no end to the workload, no clocking off from duties and a genuine feeling that home education might not continue.

Our daughter has had trouble sleeping, after a clock change and a few disruptions like late nights at the theatre, her 8 o’ clock bedtime had somehow moved to 10.30pm! We were far from happy with this and worse still, neither was she.  She was laying in her bed stressing about her inability to sleep and generally working herself up.  This is stressful for any child and any parent who is concerned about their offspring getting enough sleep to stay healthy.  Add to this, the fact that from the moment the children wake up, to the moment they go to sleep, I am very much ‘on duty’ – that makes for a pretty long shift.  I tend to hit a parenting wall at around 7pm and after that, I need space but it is not possible.  I am fully aware that this sounds selfish and my daughter needed the sympathy, understanding and support – not me.  She got all of these things but it took some serious effort on my part to dig deep into my depleted reserves and tackle this new challenge.  It’s tough.  We are now facing a new obstacle with our son’s testosterone fuelled rage and we are busy researching and understanding his needs at this tricky time.  These new hurdles tend to pop up just when you are at your lowest, hormonal, stressed, busy, tired and hanging out for a duvet day.

When you spend a lot of time with your children, you become very in-tune with each other.  This has enormous benefits, of course but it also means that they have a very good radar for your down days.  They don’t mean to go ‘in for the kill’ but it is as though they are somehow unsettled by your change of mood, however subtle it may be.  And so, it often feels as if you have to be superhuman.  You need to maintain the equilibrium and it seems there is no room to wallow in self pity,  zone out or shut down which is sometimes just what you need to do.

It is tough.  You are human.  You will have days when you just can’t face the battles, the squabbles, the normal family life but you have to.  Add to this, the pressure and guilt you feel when you think about how you are letting your children down educationally when you can’t be there for them in the way you would like.  Of course this is ridiculous.  Teachers have off days too – they aren’t superhuman either.

It is so important, during these dark times, to find a way to escape somehow.  It might be that a trusted family member or friend will take the kids on a day trip or to the library to give you physical space.  It might be that you take your foot off the gas if you are mega structured and let them play and explore for a day without you lining up activities and instead you have tea and read a book. Whatever you do, remember they are learning.  They are learning to respect others, to recognise that other people have needs.  You must trust in the process and know that even if you check out temporarily, you won’t ruin your child or their future.  You have to replenish and restore somehow and whatever you do, keep talking to those who understand.  Sometimes the only person who can really help you see the light at the end of the tunnel is a fellow home educator.  So reach out to them in person, or online if need be.  You are not alone, you are not failing and this will pass.